Monday, October 20, 2014

A strange year indeed

Hello my dear readers.

I am terribly sorry for remaining silent for so long. But this is what happens when life gets in the way of all the plans you plan, and all the intentions you indend.

This post will be of the personal kind, and I will take you with me on the wildness of mind, spirit and life that my past year has been.

It started with my fiancé, Pete, getting very ill. He sadly passed away the 20th of December 2013. And for me, a woman in my late thirties, experiencing that kind of loss at this stage in life, and for my son to face death at the age of nine, was and still is surreal. I missed my son's ninth birthday in Norway as I was sitting by Pete's hospital bed in England.
The morning on the day he died, I was in England, but I had a plane taking me back to Norway for Christmas. I had a terrible feeling, but I got on the plane. A part of me is glad I did, because I don't know how I would have coped with the loss had I not been surrounded by my parents, my son and my friends as I got the message of his death by his mother. There is obviously a lot more to the story that I'm not telling you, because it is still very fresh and raw in my memory. But Pete sent me home, so that I wouldn't be alone... He died with my voice on the phone, and his mother by his side.

So how do you cope with the loss of someone you had planned to grow old with?
The answer is that you cope as well as you can.
I couldn't sink completely into the sadness, because I'm a single mum, and my nine year old needed me. But the thing is, my son grew with this. He showed some amazing caring skills, and I wouldn't have made it trough this without him.

But getting through funerals and night terrors the first month is one thing, it is when the world around you start forgetting what you went through, when they expect you to go back to normal (even close family had this expectation), that the true strain of such a loss really comes to the surface. But in that situation I wasn't alone.
One of my friends lost his girlfriend only five days after I lost Pete, and we started talking right away. Because when everyone kept saying they knew what we were going through, he actually did, and could feel my hopeless emptiness, and he could understand better than anyone. It was good to have him.
I also sent myself to a therapist, because I didn't want my son to suffer...I needed to get my life back on track.
But like I said, it's when the everyday hits, you truly feel the emptiness. And I was lost. I had been alone for five years when I met Pete, and I am not good with being alone. So one desperate day in February I fell on my knees and screamed out in agony. I pleaded with Pete to help me, that I can't do this life alone. I said that either he had to come back to me, or he had to send me someone that he chose for me, because I was never good with the finding a mate. And I don't think I have been more serious and meant it more in any prayers I have ever said... It must have worked, because it took Trevor William two days to send me messages that couldn't be misinterpreted... he liked me.
Oh, and Trevor William is the one that lost his girlfriend... Hollywood couldn't have done this better. Because Trevor is the love of my soul. What I don't have, he fulfills, what he doesn't have, I fulfill... and this partnership is the lifelong, eternal even, love I have looked for all the years I have walked this earth.
It might be silly to thank Pete for Trevor, but I choose to believe he heard my cry, and I choose to believe that he chose Trevor for me...because Trevor really is the best man for me.

So, that was the dramatic part of my life. With Trevor I have travelled England in these months, we have seen Tintagel, we have seen Minack Theatre and Land's End, we have seen sublime pre-historic (almost) manmade structures, we have seen the strange roads in Devon, we have walked the streets of London, we have seen Shakespeare plays in Stratford Upon Avon, we have climbed (too) steep hills (too steep for me ;) he is very fit ;) ), and we have spent a lot of time getting to know each other... and sitting in Norway tonight, knowing he is in England at the moment, and knowing it's eight days until I see him again, is almost agony... but it is also a very good feeling. I have found serenity in this amazing man from Leicester. <3 And he's definitely worth the wait <3

As some of you know, I am an author...I mean, just look at the long posts I have ;) and this April my debut novel came out. It is called The Tenth Muse, and is an important story about inspiration, and about how human kind is getting lost in the search for happiness at the mall. I have written the book in both English and Norwegian, and you can get it at the attached link :)
Tomorrow I'm actually going to have a pre-launch for the Norwegian edition, and the reason for this post is that I'm a wee bit nervous. I have been working for my book for so long, and now it's here. I am proud, but I am also...nervous.
And on the 30th I will have my proper Norwegian launch at a book store where I live. And that is when I will see Trevor again, because he will be here with me for that...

I truly am a lucky woman. I have the best son any mother could ask for. And I have the best man any woman could ask for. I am blessed with an over active imagination, and I will keep writing for as long as my thoughts are cohesive and my fingers can dance over the keyboard.
I have been through a lot, and I am still standing. What's more, I will use what I have been through to maybe create a bit of hope for people in similar circumstances.

I am a lucky woman indeed, though I do look forward to a year with a bit less drama, hopefully.
Be inspired, people, and if you have someone you love...tell them today <3