Wide Awake in Royal Albert Hall

It has taken me a while to collect my thoughts after Friday's amazing concert. On Friday the 13^th of October, 2017, we witnessed pure musical and performance magic in the Royal Albert Hall. Below will follow not so much a review but more an attempt to describe the emotional journey a concert like this takes its listeners on. Something completely beyond words and description occurs, and this is what I will try to find the words to convey.

The regular readers of my blog will remember that I have told you about the wonderful Marillion before on many occasions. Their music has been an inspirational backdrop to my life for several years. Here we go again. 

         When the band announced that they were going to perform in the enigmatic Royal Albert Hall, I just knew I had to get tickets. That in itself was not an easy task as the tickets sold out incredibly fast (I have heard that most of the tickets were ripped away in less than ten minutes, but I could be mistaken here…). But at last, with the help of a link from Stephanie (Marillion management, thank you x), I managed to get three tickets (and at that point I didn't care where we were seated, as long as we got tickets), one for my twelve-year-old son, one for my partner and one for me. We were going to see Marillion in the Royal Albert Hall!

We travelled from Leicester, the city of the successful UK Marillion convention this year (the one I sadly missed because I was in the finishing process of my Master thesis), to London. We quickly maneuvered towards the iconic venue. The closer we got, the more Marillion T-shirts and happy faces we saw (and pubs so full that the Marillion fans were practically pouring out of the doors onto the pavement). We could even smile to people and get a smile in return…not a usual thing in London J And there it was…

Royal Albert Hall has been the epitome stage of musical and cultural expression since 1871. And for that reason it is not difficult to understand why playing there is considered a massive honour and a high point in one's career. Marillion definitely deserve to finally grace this classical venue with the music that, in my opinion, is a ticket to a better life. I want to keep them to myself, but on the other hand, the whole world should know the songs as I do...the world WOULD be a better place, of that I have no doubt. 

So, the concert...on the way in we were given finger lights for audience shenanigans for the song GO! which was one of the things my son was looking forward to..to be honest, so was I. We found our seats, and felt the magic descending just by sitting there in the iconic hall, surrounded by the echo of history. We looked around and could see familiar faces in every direction, smiling, anticipating what was about to bring us together, the music and lyrics, and musical and vocal deliveries of world class. Among the 4555 people there, I was first of all ecstatic to share this experience with the two favourite people in my world, my boyfriend and my son. Smilingly we looked around, our finger lights ready for later, now the concert could start. 

When Marillion walked on and started the concert by playing their latest album, FEAR, I was a bit surprised for a second or two. Not that I didn’t like the fact, but I thought, you are here, you have so many great, iconic and legendary songs you should be playing instead...but I was about to be educated. I finally understood FEAR (and obviously I know that the music you have to work to understand often ends up being the music you appreciate the most. I have listened to FEAR almost nonstop since I came home). Right there in Royal Albert Hall, I completely broke down. I see it now! With the help of the beautiful and sometimes disturbing films showing on the big screen behind the band, the songs from FEAR took on completely new meanings, and the lyrics stood out in a way that only a live delivery can provide.

What I take from their live version of FEAR is that the album is an important comment on the society of consumption and consumerism. Capitalism and Neoliberalism are definitely at the top of any political decisions made in the world, and these are matters we should and must address from a cultural perspective. Marillion have never been afraid of speaking up (for example, their last album, Sounds that can't be Made addressed the conflict in the Middle East), and FEAR is no exception. Artists and cultural commentators have been the legislators of the world through history, and I hope they continue to be. And just maybe their voices will make the moneymakers think...maybe? 

But FEAR is not only about the new kings of the world, it is also about how the life of a touring band really is. The Leavers 1-5, Wake up in Music, The Remainers, Vapour Trails in the Sky, The Jumble of Days tell the story of how overwhelming and beautiful, yet bittersweet and heavy the emotional journey of what life on the road is like. But The Leavers gets its fantastic finale with the amazing fifth song, One Tonight. It is a profound musical statement of what it is all really about, why they do what they do, why we love them so much, we come together in music and we’re all one tonight. When this pearl of a song came I was left in tears, happy, cathartic tears, and I really felt as one with the band, the fans, the venue, it was absolutely sublime. The rest of FEAR took our breaths away, and the anticipation definitely grew for the second part of the concert. 

This part started with Seasons End’s The Space. Now, on stage, were a string quartet, a French horn and a flute. The proper instruments played live sounds so much better than the sampled sounds (no offence x). There is a tangible and vibrant authenticity to the way a violin sounds in the hands of someone who knows how to play it. I grew up in a family where Mozart and Bach were daily musical backdrops, so I salute Marillion for putting these brilliant young musicians on stage.

Steve Hogarth confirmed his position as one of the best singers in the world of progressional rock today. The last part of The Space is in a high key where he sings with a full tone (not falsetto), difficult on a good day. But he completely nailed it. I can only imagine (being a classically trained singer) how he must have felt doing a song of that difficulty level in a venue such as Royal Albert Hall. If he was nervous about it, he hid it well, as his voice was pitch perfect, full toned, and just brilliant.

After a stop by the sun in Afraid of Sunlight, the band continued to play one of the most beautiful and emotional songs in their entire catalogue, The Great Escape/Falling From The Moon from their concept album, Brave. We all fell from the moon with the band...and we all rose stronger and wiser. 

But it was soon time for GO! we had to get our finger lights ready. Easter from Seasons End brought another moment of deep reflection concerning destinies around the world. What would you do, make a stone of your heart...? No, you can't make a stone of your heart when submerged in music the way we were in Royal Albert Hall. We breathed in syncronicity, we were one the whole night.

Then we GO! The light show was spectacular from the beginning, multicoloured lasers transported the audience to the inside of a dream, on a cloud, upside down…wide awake on the edge of the world.

We put our finger lights on, and started counting. It had to be correct; we were not going to be premature lighters…one, two, three, four…and then…had I not been singing with all the others at the time, I would have been left speechless. Even thinking about it now makes the hair on my entire body stand up. The picture below is from that exact moment (pictures from Marillion’s page), but the picture, though beautiful, does not give a fair representation of what it really was like to float on the fluffy clouds of light and music, to have the soft rhythm of Mosely’s drums beat with the rhythm of our hearts, to have the harmonies of Kelly’s keyboards flow through us like the blood in our veins, to have the deep notes from Trewavas’ bass touch every nerve in our body, to have the enigmatic guitar of Rothery help us see into heaven and then finally Hogarth’s velvet voice guide us safely towards the dreamy, otherworldly existence where the only thing is now.

GO! was a tough act to follow, but going to the best album of them all, This Strange Engine, they both succeeded, and made the roof of the hall lift a few inches with Man of a Thousand Faces. Then a soft stop at Waiting to Happen from Holidays in Eden, before the final song, Neverland from Marbles. Neverland is one of those songs they had to play when in Royal Albert Hall. It is, in music and lyrics, a synopsis of the whole concert, a journey from the hard and sometimes difficult reality, to the soft and fluffy dreams of a fairytale Neverland. The epicness of Neverland became a worthy exit, and when a million golden pieces of confetti rained on those who were close enough, we all agreed wordlessly but with cheers and standing ovation that it had been one of the most profound musical experiences of our lives. They reprised One Tonight and then it was over…

I imagine all the ghosts of great musicians and performers from the past were sitting on the gallery with their dangling feet and fluttering wings, letting these hours of heaven on earth reaffirm their trust in humanity.

         My son was, and still is in awe of his first proper rock concert experience, one that I think might be difficult to top...but we will obviously take him to see more Marillion for (hopefully) many years to come. We all had an absolutely amazing time. 

Marillion, for years you have been the voice that subliminally told me to hope when I thought there was none. For years you have been my inspiration to create and step up my game. For years you have provided me with courage and comfort to dare to believe in myself. For years I have been lucky enough to understand and completely love your musical expressions. I am so grateful I was there with you in one of your biggest moments. I am so grateful I can tell other people about what was the best concert I have ever attended. I am, forever, wide awake on the edge… x

   

Find a better life at http://www.marillion.com/index.htm

A peek into the Gaga mind

My music interest normally includes the progressional rock landscape, and Marillion and Steven Wilson are closest to my heart. I haven't really lent artists like Lady Gaga my ear. But in a subject called Reading Verbal and Visual signs in the Master course at university, I had to. I now find myself quite fascinated by the kind of bravery she shows, and how she is just as much a critic and provocateur of society as she is an artist, maybe even more so. Anyone can be beautiful and sing like an angel, but not everyone would dare to be beautiful and yet play on the ugly. But sadly it is easy to miss her comments in all the 'originality' she flaunts around. Or maybe what it is, is that you only find the hidden meaning behind the crazy costumes and strange behaviour if you're really looking, or if you're prepared to see behind the hit song and the Hollywood glamour?
I think I will have to look into her musical and visual career a bit more in the future. She is definitely a great singer, and the more recent music dives deeper into both difficult and taboo topics, and I highly respect that. And the beautiful and important song, Till it Happens to You, is absolutely heartbreaking. This entry, however, will be about a song from an earlier stage in her rocket career.

There is a meta element in her career; she's using her magnificent fame to talk about magnificent fame. And we could just say lightly that she's original and special, or we could look deeper and see that there is a reason to the madness. This blog entry is the latter. I will look at Bad Romance as I would look at a poem. I will search for hidden meaning, I will search for the obvious and the obscure. And I might conclude with what others have concluded with before me, or I might have gone even deeper, let's see, eh?

I have read a few comments on Bad Romance, and I realised that I only partially agreed, so I will focus on my own thoughts and findings. And I will also add that the following interpretation is my own, and therefore very subjective. I won't claim to have the answer to what this is all about, as I am pretty sure I don't. My teacher in Reading Verbal And Visual signs said that the wonderful thing about interpretations is that we can have different meanings as long as we can back it up with some sort of theory. And it is in that spirit I write this analysis.

BAD ROMANCE by LADY GAGA (2009)

The first image is almost a still shot where all the people participating in the video are presented. They are all motionless, and Lady Gaga is seated in the 'throne' in the middle. She's wearing a gold robe, and strange looking glasses of razor blades in the shape of sunbeams. She's in charge of when the real song starts and the fake cembalo music stops, even motionless she owns the room, but at this point there is no interaction with the viewer yet. Even with a close up of her face we feel detached from her, she is looking away, or so it seems, and her eyes are hidden behind the dangerous razor glasses.
When Lady Gaga then unleash the song, she also wakes up the monster. She has on several occasions referred to herself as a monster of fame, and this parable is taken further in the first bars of this song and the first frames of this video, when she (and her gang) are awakened by the sun. And here it is wroth noticing the Egyptian element. The sunbeam shines in on a dark room, and when it hits the mirror, the room lights up completely. They crawl out of what looks like ski-boxes to my Norwegian perspective, but probably are meant to be coffins. Lady Gaga's coffin has a cross and the word 'monster' written in red ink.
The group are all in white spandex, and they are all wearing masks that cover their entire face. Only small openings for the eyes. Lady Gaga, on the other hand, has a mask covering her eyes completely, stopping her from interacting with the audience even though she is facing the camera, but her mouth and nose are free. All of them are wearing strange looking crowns. The crowns could be meant to look like mad scientist hair, or antennas. They are definitely helping obscuring the human body. Lady Gaga has a very visible, sticking out spine, like monsters from history, it could maybe even be a link to the devil.
When they start to dance, they are lit up from behind, making them seem very silhouette-like.

All of this is taking place in the Bath Haus oF GaGa, and historically every single culture on the planet has had some sort of bathhouse. It was known as a public bathhouse, but taking it as far back as the antiquity, to be a member of the public one had to be a citizen, and only few got that title. So the bathhouse in history was to the rich and powerful. It was seen as a place to meet and greet, both in a friendly capacity and in a political capacity. So with the setting of a Germanesque spelling of the bathhouse, we have our stage for the video. All the different scenes in this video are shot in the same room, this white, shower room, bathhouse, changing room of some sort, they just change angle, props and costumes. Even the scene where Lady Gaga is a distorted monster with a bat on her head, completely naked, with bones sticking out everywhere, she's in a dim lit shot in one of the stalls in the same room.

When the song starts, the lyrics that is, we get a shot of a wide eyed girl in a bathtub. Even though she is looking at the camera, her eyes have been altered, magnified, so it is also distorted and wrong. Her hair is pale red, and she is portrayed rather child like. The next shot we get is her looking at us through a mirror, and through black sunglasses. Here she's all in black, with a black crown on her head. The black crown is an opposite to the white crown in the monster scene. She's still a queen...

The first proper interaction we get with the artist is an extreme close up of her face, where she's natural looking, and her eyes are staring into the camera. But even in this shot we are tricked into seeing another truth than THE truth. It took me a while to actually see this detail, as I first mistook this for the 'honest' part, where she's looking at her audience, making them interact and maybe even get some sympathy for her. But then it struck me. The artist behind the character Lady Gaga has brown eyes. Her eyes in this close up shot are blue/green. So even in this show there is a veil of deception before the gaze hits the audience.  This could easily be interpreted to meaning that we shouldn't believe a single thing we see coming from the entertainment business, or news as such, that we never know the full picture. Which of course is the same when looking at a close up. A face can say a lot, but it cannot reveal whether or not the person is bound on hands and feet, or if they are naked or wearing clothes, if they are bruised or have scars, and things like that. A close up tells the truth, but only parts of the truth.
Another element to this is that she's probably, though beautiful and natural looking, the MONSTER in this shot, as she's actually wearing the albino bat on her head. We're only seeing the face, not the full picture.

Then she's dragged out of the bath house and 'drugged' (I read somewhere that the vodka the 'models' force her to drink is the MTV-approved drugging - forgetting that the most dangerous drug of them all is alcohol...long live double standards...), and dressed in diamonds to dance her Salome dance for the Russian audience. I was first looking for seven dances of seduction in this video, but realised she plays more roles than seven, a fact I will return to below.
They are all drinking a vodka that has cunningly been named Nemiroff, and I believe this is to make us think about Smirnoff. This Nemiroff vodka has been made by LEX, which is Latin for law. And many links could be drawn to these details.
Her saying she's a free bitch, and a close up of a Sphynx cat hissing, can be interpreted as yet another link to Egyptian mythology. We already have the link to Ra, the God of the sun, both in the first shots when she wakes up, and also in her words...'Rah Rah ah ah ah ah' But this could be a coincidence...Though I doubt that there are any of the sort. I think every step of the video, the song, the performance and the presentation are results of the bravery behind a creative process of this kind. And I think we, the audience, know so little about how this world really is, that we are ready to believe whatever we are presented with...And maybe most of us just think...well, that Lady Gaga sure is original...
The dance of the seven veils (Oscar Wilde - The Bible), could be present in the fact that we never see the artist as she truly is, we view her through her characters of various seduction, through different veils. There is also a madness element present throughout the whole video. The only rational character she portraits is the one who is meant to look natural. But then we can ask if she's mad because of the circumstances, or if she's mad because that's who she is? Or maybe the madness is a conscious choice? And then we can ask if it is madness at all?

The most interesting scene is the one that is the most obscure, I think. When she's naked in the shower...but she's hardly human anymore. She is a full blown monster with a spine that is sticking out, and her body has been altered to look more insect, or animal like. There is an albino bat on her head, and the shot is presenting her as a creature of the shadows. I am tempted to look at this from many angles.
It could be how she truly views herself.
It could be how she believes the world view her.
It could be how she believes men view her.
Another thing with this part is that because of the lack of lights she seems even more marginalised than any of the other characters.
If this is, in fact, the body of the close-up face, then she is playing even more on the beauty-ugly metaphor. And she's definitely toying with us. When we see a fragment of a whole, we still expect the rest of the image to correspond with the fragment...when it doesn't, we can almost not believe it. Also this took me a while to see ;)

At 3.16 or 3.18 something interesting happens.
Some have said that she's making the sign of a pyramid, and knowing that there is a definite Egyptian element in this video, that could be true...But I think she's making the sign of the cross. She is a Catholic after all...isn't she?
If it happens at 3.16 (as I think is the most likely, I just don't have the equipment to stop the video at the right moment), then this is probably a link to John 3.16 'For God so loved the world that he gave is one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life' Is she saying that she's got eternal life through her fame?
But her making the sign of the cross could also happen at 3.18, and if it does it could be the light and the dark within her fighting. The holy trinity at one side, and the number of the beast on the other.
Of course, having mentioned that I don't have the equipment to stop the video at the right moment, it could be happening at 3.15, in which case it might mean something different completely.
Also, Lady Gaga makes a triangle sign with her fingers framing her eye, and this is an element she adds in all of her videos...Some say it's Illuminati again...I believe there is a Christian element, the good girl vs. the girl who does exactly what ever the hell she wants...the light and darkness fight we all have within.

Then she's dressed in black lingerie surrounded by suspended floating diamonds. In front of her private parts is a diamond cross, and she's wearing a mask and has a harness on, that she's holding herself. The cross on her private parts could be there to shock and cause debate. It certainly doesn't look like it is because of her virtuous attitude. Maybe she's suggesting that she is innocent and virtuous to make the spectators think she's all that, when in fact she's on sale? This could be her contemplating the 'prostitution-part' of the business she's in? Of course, I am only speculating here, and my guess is as good as yours :)

The part where she's a freaky fashion diva, striking poses (with a clear Madonna link), I believe she's commentating on the non-free will of the business. Be here, stand there, do this, sing that, dance on that stage, wear that designer's dress on that award night, be what we want you to be, never what you want to be. And I think Lady Gaga is one of those artists in the business that is a free spirit, and that dealing with her is like dealing with a storm. I can imagine that she has only a few people she can trust, and that who she really is, is a well kept secret (as it should be. None of us really have any business digging in public figures' private lives...but we do, greedily as such. It has become a business of its own; to snoop around famous peoples' lives, and think that our opinion of their shape, clothes, lack of makeup or too much, is really any of our business).
This part portrays her almost statue like inside orbiting planets, or something. It could be a link to the Illuminati, with a Gaga-version of Da Vinci's Vetruvian Man, or it could be her as the centre of the universe. I think both interpretations can be valid.

She's wearing the fake skin of a polar bear when she's walking to the altar of love. Behind the bed are two gazelles, and their antlers could easily be linked to devil worshipping. But again I will disagree with the assumptions made previously, as the gazelles can be found in many of her videos. Certainly in Paparazzi. Though, having said that, she is 'killed' by a man under the gazelles in Paparazzi, so maybe it has a link to devilry. I believe it is more iconic. Horns doesn't mean devil. It can mean masculinity, it can mean phallic elements, it can mean something as benign as symmetry. And symmetry in a face means beauty to the human eye, and beauty is what Lady Gaga plays on in many of her videos, or diverge from.

At last she is 'waking up' on the floor, wearing a red costume reminding me a bit about the costume worn by Leeloo in The Fifht Element (if you haven't seen this film, then that is your homework for next time, as it is probably one of the best sci-fi films in the world...).
Here I think we meet the most honest Lady Gaga. She's looking directly at us with her own brown eyes, probably her own hair, and she's entering the part of the song where her emotions come through in her singing 'I don't wanna be friends'...meaning she wants a proper connection to audience and to her male companions. A proper connection with LOVE - LOVE - LOVE.
She's presenting herself on the floor, almost throwing a child like tantrum, 'I don't want to...'
I have read that Lady Gaga wrote this song, whilst in Norway actually, and that it is about how she finds it difficult to make proper lasting emotional connections with men...but I also think that once an artist has released a piece of work, that work takes on a life of its own, and can mean whatever the viewer (in this case) wants it to mean.

If you have been counting, I think you will see that she is in thirteen different costumes in this video (some of them have additions, and you could say that she's in more costumes, but I count 13 characters - even if the monster/close-up character is one and the same, but I think they are two different characters as they are meant to throw us off a bit...). The thirteenth being her smoking a post-coital cigarette next to her 'victim', almost like a human mantis, having bitten the head off her mate (though in this case she's stripped his flesh off...). She's the Judas of her Last Supper, sacrificing her own virtue and innocence in the name of fame (and having looked into the artist's career a bit, I know she's made a song called Judas, so I'm going to allow myself to draw this link...farfetched as it may be.)

Some think that the last scene, where the man is burning up, is him being sacrificed to the devil, and that this part is her disclosing her occult side. I, however, believe the symbolism is far more loaded here than just meaning devil worshipping. Twice in the song she sings, 'I'm a free bitch, baby'. She's not owned by a male dominated syndicate, and she never will be. She's not willing to be sacrificed for the sake of money or sex, and she's in charge of her own career and life. The fact that the man that 'bought' her ends up as a skeleton, protecting his private parts (a link to when she was protecting her private parts just before the dance of seduction started), is a reversal of the historic virgin sacrifice. Turning it completely around, making the female be in charge in a male dominated both business and society as such.
It is also addressing the fact that for a woman in her position it might be difficult to find a romantic connection with someone. How will she know what kind of intentions lie behind any kind of suggestion? I also think she's thinking about the honesty, or lack thereof, in the whole business.

Even though she is the one showing skin, and seemingly is objectified, in the end, the tables are turned. The male participants in this video, in this story, are shallow and undeveloped. They might want to come across as strong and masculine, but they are concerned with 'one thing only' and actually end up being objectified. She ends up being the character with depth. She's an innocent girl, she's a monster, she's a sex goddess, she's a distant public figure, she's an artist, she's a fashion icon, she's the sun in an entertainment solar system, and she's definitely not someone you mess with.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrO4YZeyl0I

Steven Wilson

What do you get when you put Steven Wilson and his world class musicians on one of the biggest musical stages of the world?
       Last week I went to London with my Significant Other. Our goal for this trip was to end up in Royal Albert Hall to see and hear Steven Wilson in action. You find yourself sitting in the big round historical building, and thinking, well, that was it, I'm here...but then the music starts, and you forget time and place. I am proud to say that I have been in musical heaven, a heaven where the visual plays just as big a part of the whole picture as the audio does.
       Steven Wilson can go on stage and play whatever he wants, and I will be at the tip of my chair, drawn into his sometimes quite dark world. But it is not a world without hope. His latest album, Hand. Cannot. Erase. made most of the Monday night's concert, and it was raw musical power, presented by this humble human standing barefoot on stage. The song that moved me most from the first night was Routine. I was completely blown away by the hard to watch video running in the back, and the amazing voice of Ninet Tayeb, in divine union with the band. It was like entering another universe, where only music and images existed. At that moment it didn't matter where we were, as the scene disappeared, and all that was, was the story. How can a song feel cathartic? I don't know how Steven Wilson did it, but he did. I felt cleansed after Routine, born again...if that makes sense at all?
        I have heard a lot of people saying they love Steven Wilson, but they miss Porcupine Tree... I cannot agree with them. I feel that him being in charge of all the creative decisions have brought out the truly magnificent musician that he is. And being who he is, he can work with the best of the best. When I go to concerts, I speak of trust...weird, I know. But I have trust the musicians to be able to play their instruments, to be able to sing, and to be able to give me an as strong experience as the albums do. And you would think that this went without saying, but it doesn't always in this age of auto tune and cheating... But there is nothing fake about the talents of Steven Wilson. His voice is even, from what I can hear, getting better and better. And it was a pleasure to see him playing my favourite part on Drive Home, and the solo on Dark Matter. He is what I would call a whole musician. He doesn't just make music, he is music. And I trusted both him and his band completely.
         He doesn't always make easy to listen music, and that is ok. I don't think music should be easy accessible all the time. The music you have to work on to understand ends up being the music that stays with you for a life time. I didn't understand Watchmaker to begin with, but now it is one of my favourite songs of his. And what they did with it in Royal Albert Hall was just beyond anything I have ever seen. They rolled down a see through screen, so that we could still see them (the musicians), but on the screen they showed a horror movie. I felt like entering into a gothic novel where the monster is hunting us down sublime mountains... and just when you really can't read another word, because it has scared you to your core, you still read on.
        I am so happy to have been in Royal Albert Hall for both nights, even the songs I didn't know too well made an impression. Grace for Drowning is a difficult album, but as I said earlier, difficult is good. It means you have to make an effort, it isn't digested before it reaches you, it means that the artist trusts his fans to be intelligent enough to make that effort. Though, I must admit I had to look away for the last part of Raider II. It was 'the Beast' as he referred to it, and I see that now.
       Steven Wilson said he was humbled to be on the Royal Albert Hall stage, and I can understand his feelings. But what he should never doubt is that he belongs in this hall of legends.
       I am sure all the great musicians through the ages were sitting on the circle barrier, dangling their feet, with shimmering wings moving softly to the rhythm, and rejoicing in the genius music of this humble man. May he create a lot of music still, and many more shows, and may I be lucky enough to be in the audience again.
       So what do you get when you put Steven Wilson and his world class musicians on one of the biggest musical stages of the world?
         You get a sublime experience earthly words cannot describe. The soul transcends to a higher plane of existence, and for those two days it might see a glimmer of a higher truth only the real legislators of the world can convey...Steven Wilson, you amaze me.

How music can change a life, and send you on the path you were supposed to be from the very beginning...

This entry is featured in a book about Marillion and their fans. 

In the spring of 2013 I went to my first ever Marillion weekend. I travelled alone, and felt like I was going to meet destiny. Was I ever right? It just didn’t happen it the order I anticipated.
           I met my friends at the Moon Under The Sea, or Sun Under The Moon, I could never get the name right (The Moon Under Water), and suddenly I was a part of something quite amazing. The pub became a sort of base camp for the people I hung out with, and I met so many new friends, and wonderful human beings. Among them was a smiling man. I remember thinking he seemed nice, but in a friend kind of way, as he was there with his significant someone, and I had a partner at the time (he was ill, and couldn’t make it to Wolverhampton). I just marvelled in the part where I made so many new friends, little did I know that I would call one of them the love of my soul. And little did we both know the grief and horror we would go through before the nice picture was a reality. I’m actually glad neither of us knew, as what was ahead of us was loss, trauma and death.

           This wonderful weekend of music and friends was a safe haven of something I have never found anywhere else. And the concert on Saturday, Brave night, was Out Of This World, and going back to the ordinary life was painfully difficult. And on the bus back to Heathrow, I must admit tears were running, and all the beautiful faces of friends forever were flashing before my inner eye.

That autumn I got engaged to my partner. I hadn’t been together with him for that long, but I realise now that he was in a hurry to live, and I said yes. He did warn me, he said: I could die. And I said: Well, we have no guarantees. But he knew what he was talking about, and on the 20^th of December, after having sat by his hospital bed for a long, long week, Pete died. I remember sitting down in front of the computer having to share the news with our Marillion family, they had all followed his illness from the side, so I felt I owed it to them to let them know. But in all my writing days, that message was the hardest I have ever had to compose.

            The support I got from the Marillion family was overwhelming, and so touching, that it helped me in those first horrible days. I got a message from Carolyn, she sent me her condolences… and then, a few days later, on the morning of December 26^th, Trevor posted a similar message on Marillion and fans to the one I had posted on the 20^th. Carolyn had passed away… And there we were. Both of our futures were ripped away from under us, we were left numb. But something good happened in the middle of the terror. I got a message in my inbox from Trevor, and we started talking. We shared the worst moments in our lives, and nobody knew as well as he did how I really felt. Nobody knew as well as I did how he really felt.
            In the beginning of our correspondence, it was all about helping the other one to survive, to see some sort of light in the darkest tunnel we had ever been in. How to sleep, how to ever find the courage to go back to work and university, how to survive the images of people’s final moments without entering into a nightmare state of mind, and having him there for that was certainly my lifeline.

But then things started to change. The people around us, friends of both Pete and Carolyn, probably thought things happened too fast. But not to us…we had been through the war together, we had been through the longest months of our lives together. We lived with the blinking images of final moments, the ringing of someone’s last words, the thoughts of whether or not we could have done or said something differently, and January and February seemed endless. We spoke together almost every day, and when you have someone who understands what you’re going through like that, it truly is the most special feeling in the world. He really knew what I was going through, he could relate to all the new emotions raging through my mind, emotions thankfully most people don’t ever have to relate to.

So, in the beginning of March, I knew that I really wanted to meet Trevor properly, and not just talk with him on Facebook chat. We both knew that doing something none of us ever had done before, like a leap of faith, was becoming a reality. And we leapt. He got on a plane and came to see me in Norway. And on the 18^th of March, we found the love of our souls, we suddenly had a future again.

            We know that the people we lost died while we still loved them. We know that it will never be a non-topic to talk about them with each other. We know that we still will remember the trauma we both went through, but we will do so together.

            I have never met a man like Trevor, he is kind and sweet, intelligent, funny, in touch with his emotions, and so strong, stronger than I think he knows himself.

This summer we went on a holiday together. We drove to Devon and Cornwall, saw Tintagel, among other places… and in the car we listened to all of Marillion’s studio albums, we sang along, loudly, sometimes slightly out of tune, but always completely convincing, and we had so much fun. It is hard to pinpoint one specific song, when all the songs, all the albums, have served as a back drop to our lives; to the drama, to the trauma, to the grief, to the fun and to the love we share. We are true Marillionaires, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. Now we are both looking forward to two Marillion weekends together in 2015, and hope to see both old and new friends.

Me singing my favorite Christmas song

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=4871497601732&set=vb.1726147130&type=2&theater




This is an amateur recording of me singing Gabriel's Message the 13th of December 2014 :)
I found this carol through my favourite rock band, Marillion. And since then, this has been my favourite carol, and I hope I does it justice.

x

The Only Unforgivable Thing

Marillion has a song called The Only Unforgivable Thing, and it's one of my favorite songs ever. It is beautiful, sad, honest, scary and it has a sense of catharsis to it. I always end up feeling so much better after having listened to that song. They have other songs like it, Neverland probably being their most famous catharsis song. But this isn't an entry about Marillion, though they go on tour this weekend, and I'm not going to be there...a thought that keeps bringing me to my knees, but, silver lining, my soulmate has promised to come with me to the next Marillion weekend, so I'll be satisfied, though I suspect a  few green thoughts this weekend. But in true Much Ado About Shakespeare style, I'm rambling on about things that hardly is the point. My point with this entry is; what is the only unforgivable thing? Oh, yes, welcome to one of the serious entries. I'm aware I haven't posted in a while, let's just say it's been a rather busy autumn, and not only in a good way. So why, do you ask, is the first entry since summer a serious one? Well, I think it has to be, because life isn't always fun and games.

What is the only unforgivable thing, and can we find it in the literature we so dearly love? Yes, without a shadow of a doubt, the literature I love, and talk about here, is full of characters faced with the choice of do or don't, the only unforgivable thing.
Aragorn takes two lifetimes to decide not to do the only unforgivable thing. He has avoided his fate long enough, and finally, at the black gates, he emerges as his true self. The true king of Gondor, Isildur's heir... and better yet, Elendil's heir, the first human king to fight Sauron.
Gollum is consumed by the only unforgivable thing, he cannot save himself. Even when Frodo "tames" him, he's still his own biggest enemy, and he is above anyone else Lord Of The Rings' tragic character, and falls under his own desire to follow his only desire. Not that following ones own desire is a bad thing, but when a desire for own gain becomes more important than, say, love and being surrounded by family and friends, then you end up losing.
Frodo almost loses that battle. Had Gollum not been there, Frodo's mind would have been lost to greed. Instead he loses a finger, which is a fair loss come to think of it. A loss I think he's happy about in hindsight. A finger for ones sanity, an easy choice, or is it?
Iago in Shakespeare's Othello is so jealous and so racist that he can't function as a normal human being. He can't enjoy his own life because a man he doesn't deem worthy has more power than himself. The only thing on his mind is to hurt the Moorish Othello. And the colour of his skin is highly important here. In his mind it is wrong that a Moor can have wealth and prosperity, and a beautiful wife as such. And, spoiler alert, he manages to ruin Othello's life, and Desdemona dies at Othello's hand. What makes a man (because this doesn't only happen in the stories of old) be so jealous of someone that he's willing to destroy both his own life and the life of the one he's envious of? Is there some kind of poetic justice I don't understand? What makes people hold on to grudge for years and years?
Some old disagreement makes the Capulets and the Montagues fight until two children dies (because Romeo and Juliet were thirteen year olds). And why should someone feel the need to decide who another person can or cannot see and love? What gives someone that kind of power? We are all in capacity of one true possession in life, our own life. We do not own anything or anyone else. So what gives people that kind of power?

I am being a bit too serious, I sense... But I think these are important questions to ask. I have just as much right to my place on this planet as Obama, or men in power (because statistics show that there are far more male leaders than female - I live in a country with a female leader, but I don't much care about her political views, she's against sharing and general human compassion, not to get political in any ways...). We should never excuse our existence, not to people in our close social groups, or to our governments. We are all children of the earth, and all of us came naked and full of prosperity into this world. A poor child in Sudan has just as much of a claim to his place on this planet as a child in wealthy Norway.

Though they manage to sort through it in the end (because it 's a comedy), both Beatrice and Benedict are victims of pride. They both know, deep down, that the other one is their other half, but they choose to bicker and quarrel for a while before finally seeing the truth. The truth is that they were born to spend their lives together, and they will only be happy once they realise said truth.
And having entered the word truth in this, we are close to something. Because what is unforgivable for one person is maybe completely okay for another person. We can also talk about truth in society vs truth inside the four walls of our homes. Some people find it perfectly acceptable to beat the crap out of spouses and children. We can argue that they have inner demons, but when is it acceptable to abuse someone else's God given body and right to dignity and life? When? No matter someone's past, what gives them the right? "I was beaten myself, so I hit people"...? Yet, people live in these conditions, sometimes a lifetime, and accept it. How so? Is that the only unforgivable thing?
Is it the only unforgivable thing to lie down in self pity, blaming the world for our own shortcomings? Sometimes we actually have to kick ourselves in the backside and get over ourselves. I'm obviously not talking about people who are ill, and need rest, love and care. But then again surfaces another dilemma, when is it up to other people to judge when enough is enough? Is that something other people can decide?
So, is the only unforgivable thing to bee a victim of the seven sins of the bible? I think we as human beings all fall short if this is the rule of the universe. I personally think it's not that easy. And lust, for one, is not only a bad thing, if you ask me. And the others can be quite handy as well, when used controlled, and not taking over ones entire being. Determining what is unforgivable is difficult.

I actually think that the only unforgivable thing is denying oneself a chance to be as good as one can. No matter the situation, country we're born in, the prospect of future we're faced with, to be anything less than we can is unforgivable. Not on a global scale, not in a society scale, not even in the scale of four walls... but on a highly personal scale. A person who use violence knows it's wrong. A person who do drugs knows it's wrong, a person who cheats on someone knows it's wrong,  a person who lies knows it's wrong... a person who kills knows it's wrong, deep down, we all know this...no matter the cause, we all know! I know this sounds a bit naive and silly, but as we have an obligation to the mutual good of our society, we also have an obligation towards ourselves. We have an obligation to be the best we that we can. And no one can do it for us. And that is, I think, the only unforgivable thing, to give in to, and blame, everything else in the world, than to look to the only one who can make the changes that needs to come.
Only YOU can change you x x

Sunday 14th of April

The last night of Marillion weekend 2013 was a fact. I remember thinking when I arrived on Thursday, checking in to the hotel, that in a few days the entire weekend will be in the past. How strange it felt to have been looking forwards for so long and then to have barely blinked finding the weekend was over... The two previous nights were deeply emotional. And though I knew this night would involve my three absolute favorite songs, I decided just before Marillion came on stage: Tonight I'm gonna have fun. I'm gonna smile, I'm gonna laugh, I'm gonna take everything in and fill up with all the good feelings in the world. And I'm a pretty stubborn woman, so when I say something, that's usually the way it is :-)

This was the night of Sounds That Can't Be Made. And if you want an in depth analysis of Sounds That Can't Be Made, or STCBM as we call it, look to the right on this blog. It's one of my most popular entires, where I go in depth of my own emotions when hearing this wonderful and important album.

Steve Hogarth came on stage wearing a shirt with a big peace sign on it. And when singing their song, Gaza, the peace sign serves as a dichotomy to the theme of the song. Last night of the weekend had started...

1. Gaza - "Like a nightmare rose up on this small strip of land, slouching towards Bethlehem" It is hard to know how to write something here, because for too long this poor land suffered war and devastation. And taking the suffering of innocent people, children in particular, into consideration when hearing, and watching them perform this song, keeping my promise to myself of having only fun, became challenged. But that's ok. I can, along with being stubborn, change my mind in the blink of an eye...
2. Waiting To Happen - Something waiting to happen, I chose that these words cannot be the driving force behind my future endeavors, as they will continue to push the magnificent ahead of me, I need to make magic happen NOW!!! All the strange thoughts that enter my mind when in presence of true inspiration. WOW!
3. Lucky Man
4. This Strange Engine - One of my top three favorite song, and I can't rate it closer. Because one day this is at the top, another day it's Neverland, and another day it's Montréal... and even top three changes. But this will be at the top all the time, I think. TSE, as we abbreviate it... is just sheer Marillion magic. 18 minutes of blissful escape. And this performance was awesome!
5. Pour My Love
6. Montréal - I love the personal almost stream of consciousness feel in the lyrics of this song. Steve Hogarth is giving us a sneak peek into his mind, and many of my fellow Marillionaires didn't like this song because of the bluntness of the lyrics. But this song is a strike of genius, in my mind. Hearing it live just made me love the song even more. Definitely top three.
7. Invisible Ink
8. Power - The power of the song lifted the roof. This is an absolutely amazing song :-)
9. Sounds That Can't Be Made

10. The King Of Sunset Town

11. Sky Above The Rain - During the emotional brilliance of SATR we were covered in golden rain. The confetti just kept pouring and pouring and stuck to every piece of exposed sweaty skin... and it was just amazing :)

12. Neverland - The third top three song for me, all of them performed in one night, wow, I truly am a lucky woman :-) When ever I feel down, this song is therapy. And live they bring the deep sounds in the bass and the keyboards, making it completely shake the core of the audience. And the emotions is h's performance is enigmatic and sublime.

13. Garden Party - Ok, end the weekend with a BANG! This song is from the age of Fish, but the song became strangely irrelevant when the crazy part of Steve Hogarth decided to climb the balcony. Not an easy task... and he almost fell...The gasps from the crowds could be heard from London, I'm sure. He almost fell!!! But he didn't, and thank the good powers of the world, and quick thinking from the ones on the balcony grabbing him and dragging him over. And, just to prove a point, he bloody kept on singing!!! NOW THAT'S ROCK!!! 

After the gig the lights were switched on and merry music made all of us just dance, and pick up the confetti and throw it in the air...reliving every dazzling moment. In the end it was to go, after photo sessions and hugs and tears, but the party wasn't over. Many of us ended up in the pub just next to the venue. All the thirsty Marillion fans just kept coming like a tidal wave of happy people, high on Marillion and brilliance. They played mostly Marillion, and we danced as if in a trance for hours...

A night to remember, also this in the bank of precious memories. Thank you to all the people who made the weekend possible. Thank you for the best memories of my life. Thank you to my friends. And Marillion, you remain the leaders of inspiration to me. You are AMAZING

Saturday 13th of April

"It all began with a bright light"
Second night at the Marillion weekend in Wolverhampton.
I have seen Pink Floyd perform, I have seen U2 and Muse, I have seen Sting, I have seen Nirvana (among others), I have seen the best orchestra in the world, the Philharmonia in Royal Festival Hall, performing Bruckner's Fourth symphony brilliantly, I have seen John Nettles as the king in A Winter's Tale, I have witnessed some pretty weighty cultural performances during my life, even been performing some of them myself... and the gig on Saturday in Wolverhampton is the biggest most pivotal cultural experience I have ever been be a part of. To be in the audience this night was nothing short of the biggest honor bestowed upon me.

In the beginning, being at the front (yeah, I have to brag a bit about the fact that I managed front row three nights in a row...) we could see that things weren't all perfect. The hectic looks, the subtle glance...but it didn't matter, because like I said in the last entry, they are so professional and they sorted it out and got properly into it. And this gig was of such a magnitude that the first 10 songs were performed without talking in between. We could all feel the serene seriousness of it. And now, if you find yourself not knowing the Brave album, which was the album for the night, then I strongly suggest you buy it. Marillion fan or not, this is one of the best albums of the world. I can't go into detail of every song, because we would be here until next century... But I'll try to say a few words. The first five songs had me in awe... I was looking at the stage with wide eyes, completely enchanted...as if entering a Neverland where only music and brilliance existed.

1. Bridge
2. Living The Big Lie
3. Runaway
4. Goodbye To All That
5. Hard As Love
6. Hollow Man - If any of you have knowledge of T. S. Eliot, you will know that he wrote a poem called The Hollow Men. And though only the title is similar, I think both poets had an idea uniting them across time. One of the strongest lyrics Marillion have. And beautifully performed.
7. Alone Again In The Lap Of Luxury
8. Paper Lies - h in a golden suit, reason enough to be at this gig ;) But the message was strong enough, paper...money, printed words, internet...lies and lies and lies...
9. Brave - This is a fantastic song, leading up to one of the biggest emotional highs of my entire life.
10. The Great Escape/ Falling From The Moon - "They shower you with flowers when they bury you" This song, sad though the lyrics are, represent positive and life altering change for me. And the song is so powerful that I can hardly hear the studio version without finding myself in tears. So imagine standing there, feeling all the emotions rushing through my body, watching sheer magic happening on stage, I stood no chance.

Five minute ovation...at least. Give this a big thought, the longest ovation you've ever been a part of, either as a performer or as a spectator. Have you got that in your mind? If it's more than one minute, it's amazing. We cheered for five minutes... And the band were humble in their cute bowing and smiling and trying to calm us down. H told us he had seen loads of band in the same venue as the one we were in, among them Genesis, and none of them ever got quite as big of a cheer as the one on Saturday!

11. Made Again - The mood in the room was elevated. I felt this was a cathartic experience.

12. Rich - "Reality, is something that we rise above, we don't see things as they are, we see them as we are..." what an absolute spot on take of reality. :)
13. The Damage - Another brilliant song from Marbles.
14. Trap The Spark
15. Warm Wet Circles - Well, an oldie, but a goodie. And among us at the front...a bit of a rude conversation followed, to be perfectly honest.
16. That Time Of The Night
17. Drilling Holes
18. Out Of This World.

19. Seasons End
20. Space - I am so happy they played the Space, from Seasons End. This song is so powerful, and not just the song and the music. But the lyrics. "Everyone is only everyone else" How true indeed.

And now we could breathe.
The biggest musical and cultural experience of my entire life is now a memory. A memory I will cherish and look back on with joy and a bit of sadness. Because something so grand is not only making us think of both the good and the bad of the world, it's also making the world "Made Again".